Green Flags for Finding a Safe Person
When you are someone who is chronically ill and needs assistance, at times, you can be put in a vulnerable position. There are many ways where you need help and are thankful for it however, it takes away from your ability to do/ spend the time to learn that task. For example, my parents never wanted me to worry about how much my medical care cost so I never saw a bill or heard about the money side of it. While I believe this was a super kind and thoughtful decision they made; it took me extra time to catch up to my peers when it came to understanding finances. That was a very small and harmless example however, it shows the vulnerable aspect I am trying to portray.
Whoever is helping you is able to control what things you learn or don’t. Therefore, having people with your best interest at heart is essential. Knowing my parents and how they parented, I know that they adjusted their values because of my health. They had believed because, they felt it instilled great values, that I would get a job and pay for my car insurance & car. Well, my health kept me from being able to get a job and so therefore they supported me. I didn’t have a waiting job and there are so many amazing lessons you learn that you don’t learn again unless someone teaches you.
There are so many good things about accepting help and doing what you need to support a healthy environment & lifestyle. Allowing those around you to help and serve is also something that God calls us to do. He calls us to serve one another and by allowing people to help us when in need that is allowing an opportunity for them to see a glimpse of why servanthood is so valuable. For my situation in particular, I was sick and disabled starting in a vary pivotal time of my life. I never learned things regarding having a job/ credit/ taxes because I hadn’t had to deal with it or experience it. By having Mike on my side these are the things that I would have missed out on if I had refused help and did it all on my own.
Support and Assistance: the support and assistance needed to overcome challenges. Mike worked with me patiently and explained things as we went. He also has so much patience and is willing to explain what he knows. This is a MAJOR GREEN FLAG!
Sharing the Load: By accepting help, individuals can share the burden of responsibilities. This can alleviate stress, reduce burnout, and prevent feelings of panic. It allows for a more balanced and sustainable approach to life's demands. When we first started dating, I needed to renew my liscence but I had a hard time getting it done due to all I felt I needed to do. Mike picked me up one day and even though I wanted to do more with my makeup he said “you look beautiful” and took me to renew it. This help is invaluable.
Expertise and Knowledge: Often, those offering help have specialized skills, knowledge, or experience in the areas where assistance is needed. This expertise can be invaluable, providing a higher chance of success or better outcomes in specific tasks or projects.
Collaboration and Teamwork: Receiving help fosters collaboration and teamwork, creating opportunities for growth and learning. It encourages a sense of camaraderie, as individuals come together to achieve shared objectives. This aspect has been beyond beneficial for our marriage. We are a team first and foremost. The support we give one another is unlike any relationship I have ever seen.
Breaking Isolation: Accepting help can combat feelings of isolation and loneliness, particularly for individuals facing chronic illness or difficult life circumstances. It provides a social connection and emotional support, improving overall well-being.
When I started dating Michael my life changed completely and I began dreaming of a future again. I know that sounds cheesy but I mean it. I am not saying that I didnt think I would have a life before him however, I believed my life would be only so much and that was it. When we would talk and go on dates, He began showing me who I could be and that it wasnt my health keeping me back, it was fear many of the times even the lack of time. The more we talked the closer we got and I dont think I realized how intently he was listening. At the time, I had never had a job that wasnt babysitting because when you are unable to attend school and unable to leave your bed a job doesnt really fit that life. At this point we had been dating for awhile and knew there was a future. He decided that I needed a credit card. Shocking, right? Why on earth would this man who I was just dating at the time help me get a credit card in my name? Simple, He wanted to help me create a credit score so that eventually we could buy a house…TOGETHER. He got me a credit card, which I believe had like a $150 limit on it and told me to use it for getting gas and groceries for him/us. He paid it off each month, if there was anything even on it. However, it built my credit up so that when we eventually got married and bought a house we were able to do it together.
As I say all this, I say it to explain that I am aware this is not the normal. It is a wonderful gift that Mike desires to make sure we are on equal levels but not everyone who “wants” to help you has your best interest at heart. This goes back to a concept that Jesus speaks on during his sermon on the mount where He speaks on judgement and appreciating value. Jesus says “Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them underfoot and then turn to attack you” in Matthew 7:6. This concept which means be careful who you share personal thoughts, feelings and deep hurts with because not everyone has your best interest at heart.
It is vital that whoever you are sharing your deep hurts, insecurities, and thoughts can be trusted and genuinely want to support and encourage you. Pay attention to their motives and what their answers are. This goes back to paying attention to green flags that friends or family have when you share your “pearls” with others. My husband showed me green flags and safety before I went on to share hurts and challenges. Together thanks to his motives being pure and his relationship with Christ we were able to grow our relationship closer and stronger. If you have someone who is in your life and is passionate about helping you be sure to watch for some of these red flags that can end up being more hurtful than helpful.
1. Loss of Independence: Relying on someone else for help may lead to a loss of independence and autonomy. By relying on someone else to get things done you may not take the time to learn how to do it yourself so when you never learn you become dependent on them.
2. Dependency and Obligation: Accepting help from someone can create a sense of dependency and obligation. This may result in feelings of indebtedness or guilt, which can strain relationships or impact one's self-esteem. This is why communication is necessary. You must be sure to discuss these situations so that neither person feel that they are being taken for granted or used 3. Possible Lack of Control: When receiving help, there is a possibility of relinquishing control over certain aspects of the situation.
4. Risk of Overreliance: Continuously relying on others for help or feeling as though there is nothing you can complete on your own.
Unfortunately, when you begin receiving help from another person it can be easy to lose yourself in the situation. You can become overly reliant on them leading you to lose your sense of self. You can even begin to wonder if you are capable of doing things on your own. This is why it is so important to do all we can to keep our core values. This is all easily achievable as long as you are continuing to discuss the help you are accepting and the person who is sharing the advice.
Receiving help is a beautiful and empowering process, yet it's essential to ensure we retain our sense of self amidst this support and that is why it is even more important that Christ is involved in the relationship. First and foremost, expressing clear boundaries and communicating our needs is essential. Openly discussing our values, preferences, and aspirations with those who assist us ensures that their help aligns with the goals and dreams we have shared with them. This is why it truly is important to be involved in the decision-making process, seeking collaborative solutions that respect our individuality. If you are accepting help it is important that you take the verse Matthew 7:6 to heart and are sure that this is a safe person to share with. Additionally, embracing gratitude without losing our individual identity helps us acknowledge and appreciate the assistance we receive while maintaining a strong sense of self. Remembering that accepting help is a sign of strength allows us to remain empowered as we navigate the journey towards growth and self-discovery.When you have a chronic Illness receiving help from someone can be both a blessing and a challenge. I hope that this helps you to know it is okay to ask for help as well as how to find a safe person to trust.
