BTS of B&W
This picture was taken in the teen life lounge of STL children’s hospital during my first hospital stay. Bailey had come with a group of friends from our youth group. It was such a blessing. She was in 7th grade and I was a freshman.
I had a very routined life when I was in middle school. I got up, got on the bus, went to school, and went to cross country practice afterwards. I really enjoyed this time and it was straightforward, it didn’t change much. Until everything changed, I showed up to practice and there was a new girl there at the time I was an 8th grader and was considered a captain as well as on varsity so I usually knew what was going on. This time though I was just as much in the dark as the others. We introduced ourselves and our coach said she had just moved here and we needed to be nice and welcoming. Well, we started practice and WOW, this girl was fast. She was running with our top varsity group. I didn’t expect her to be bad but I didn’t expect her 6th grade self to be keeping up with our 8th grade selves. This high energy, fast, adorable girl who just moved to town was Bailey and that is where our story begins.
This was after we rocked sectionals. Bailey is in the bib tag number 91 and I am the one wearing sunglasses on my head and holding a shirt in my hands!
It took no time at all for us to become inseparable and I know it may be hard to believe but back then we were like mirror images of each other. I was blonde and thin as can be and so was she. We were both incredibly outgoing, smart, hard workers, and loved to laugh and run, particularly at the same time. It truly is wild thinking back on this time because I am not sure I would even recognize the willow that existed then from the willow that existed now. Regardless, From that point on, We became closer and closer. While others were still sussing her out because they let their intimidation of her talent keep them away from her. We were just thriving. It was something I remember being so very shocked that I was witnessing. All these athletes I had known for years being so stressed because someone might be better than them. Then again that was also one of my biggest struggles as an athlete.. I’m not very competitive. We became best friends and from that day on nothing changed that.
During my first hospital admittance, Bailey organized this picture to send me to lift my spirits. It was incredible. This is one of the sweetest things anyone has ever done. She had the entire cross country team in it. I am still so honored.
Now, 6th grade Bailey and 8th grade Willow were at the prime of their lives. They had no idea a giant storm was coming. It came out of nowhere. At least it sure did feel that way. We had a great season together but it was becoming clearer and clearer that something was wrong with my body because I was nowhere near my times. I changed diets and nothing mattered. No amount of protein or carbs or anything would make my legs weigh less than two tons each. Bailey had to come to terms with what to do, she actually held back at times (during practice) because she didn’t want to pass me out of respect. Try finding a friend like that, I dare you. I started freshman year and she was still in middle school. I knew things would be different now but I wasn’t worried we were Bailey and Willow. But it wasn’t long until we finally understood what had been happening earlier that year.
On the bus on our way to another race. We were always on the go!
December of my freshman year of high school, I was rushed to the hospital and eventually diagnosed with hereditary pancreatitis. I was in the middle of a terrible pancreatitis attack and they had plans for me to stay at the hospital without eating or drinking and being given pain meds until the pain calmed. Once the pain calmed I could start on a clear diet and slowly move up from there. I had never been admitted to a hospital. Wow, that seems crazy now. I was scared. Bailey and I were talking nonstop on our phones. She got her parents to bring her to the hospital anytime she could. She got rides from friends at church. She was THERE. I don’t know how I will ever be able to thank her for that. That girl made my whole day when she visited and I don’t think I would have gotten through it without her.
I don’t know what I would have done without her by my side in the good and the bad.
Bailey and I have been friends for what is going on 13 years now. Think back to who you were 13 years ago. I mean especially if you are younger there is a lot of really important growth that goes on during these years. There have been times where our friendship has ebbed and flowed in the sense of how much time we spent together daily but no matter what we always knew that we had each other as a safe place if and when we needed it. The things we have gone through many will never go through much less go through at such a young age like we did. It is an incredibly complicated relationship at times and is one of the reasons I am so thankful to her for staying by my side. It takes someone beyond selfless and so caring to deal with this process.
13 years is a long time. I mean you have seen some of our very first photos together at the top and this photo was taken this past week. Life is one wild ride and there aren’t a lot of constants. Honestly, God is your only constant and I believe it is our faith in God that has kept us growing together as best friends all these years!
I have lost so many people in my short 25 years of life. I have missed out on many experiences that I had looked forward to and dreamt about. If there were any friends I could count on no matter what it would be Bailey and Caroline. They have always been there. As time went on people dwindled around me. Which I understood, I mean if I’m tired of my disease surely those around me are too. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt when you are proved right. Bailey new this the most. She understood the pain of peers not understanding who you are. She was brutally bullied through middle school because people saw her outgoing spirit and innocence and took advantage of it. I know who you all are and I will never forget this role you played in her life. My point is, she understood. She would make events for me at the hospital. She would bring stuff for spa nights, and movie nights, she would keep me filled in on all that was going on. She was my little fly on the wall. I loved it.
Yet another selfie in yet another hospital bed.
Of course, I could trust that my family was with me no matter what. They have been by my side through all of my hospital stays, doctors appointments, and tests. I have never had to go to a medical event alone. I had friends who would be with me until family could come or I would have friends who would stay while my family was here. My sister was and is one of the most firm rocks in my life that I can hold onto whenever I am feeling like I’m floating away. She has saved me more than once.
This was me and Winter at Universal Studios on my Make - A - Wish trip. We were blessed to go on this trip and to also meet the cast of Grey’s Anatomy. I am so thankful for Winter and all that she does for me. It made me even more happy that after all of that hard stuff I was able to take her with me on a trip of a lifetime. She is such a blessing.
Bailey showed up to every hospital stay and she did all she could all the time in order to spend as much time at the hospital with me. She never wanted me to be lonely or feel like everyone left me. That was always something that warmed my heart, her ability to create special moments wherever she goes changing the feelings of a hospital room to comforting and more homey instead of sterile and scary. She came to as many infusion appointments as she could. She would bring bags full of snuggly things that make me happy. She would bring nail polish, she would bring movies, books, games, she even took me to the teen lounge for the first time and painted me cute canvases with my name on it to go above my bed. She made every moment better.
Bailey has been by my side always. I used to think that she would get bored and leave. She was always so high energy and I couldn’t keep up. For the longest time “Hanging out” with me meant friends would come over and lay in my bed while we “watched TV” which I would just sleep through. That was the time I was the most worried people would be tired of dealing with me.
Carol, Me, Bailey from back to front. This was how I spent the majority of my days for the year before my surgery. My friends lived in the basement with me. The would go home or stay the night and then go to school and after school they would come back. I would sleep upstairs in my room at night so they would help me get up there each night.
But Bailey never wavered. Bailey stayed, until she didn't as much. She responded to every text and showed up to every hospital stay. She would visit but she was always late for something or needing to go do something. She would show up for the events but it was either late or early. Things started changing. She was losing weight like crazy but I saw her eating. I just didn’t want to believe that she was lying to me. Mike, has had experience helping people detox off of drugs and so he can tell when someone is on something. He had been telling me but I had asked her thousands of times if she needed help, if she was doing drugs, and she assured me time and time again. No. I trusted her. I chose her answer.
Bailey went to so many appointments and infusions with me. She always kept me company so I wouldn’t feel like i was doing it all alone.
I was 22 and newly married and planning her “surprise” 21st birthday. I put quotes because if you know anything about Bailey you know she will always find out the surprise. Even though, she wants it to be a surprise so bad she is just so excited and cant stop asking questions until she gets the answer. This is one of the many things I love about her.
Her birthday before her 21st she was sick so we spent the day at the doctor. That is very fitting for us lol.
It was during this time that her college had their spring break and things were starting to get a little stranger. She was flakier than ever, skinnier than ever, she didn’t have a phone at times, she would have car problems that sounded just like accidents but later found out were because she had fallen asleep at the wheel. Friends of hers, that were also friends of mine decided to stop holding her secrets. Before I knew it I had multiple friends that I trusted thoroughly telling me the same story. Bailey was addicted to cocaine and it was getting really bad. It had been going on for years now at this point. They were finally telling me because it was getting REALLY bad and no one ever tells Bailey “no, that’s not okay” but me. This is a role I hate. Most of the times in relationships I am the “mom”, the “mature one”, the “sit them down and give them the talk” friend. I remember hearing all of these stories of what has been going on and realizing I had no idea. I'll never forget the feeling I had when I finally found this out. My heart sank. My knees hit the floor so hard and my eyes just poured our water like a water spout.
This is Bailey and our best friend Catie at the 21st birthday party I planned for Bailey. Catie knew that I was giving Bailey the letter imminently and she was trying to just pay attention to keep her safe that night.
All these flashbacks came flying through my mind. I saw us talking on the couch and me asking what was going on and her assuring me that there is nothing wrong. I had more flashbacks of all of these close friends who had kept this secret from me for her and it upset me. Why were people letting her doing this? Why did these friends of mine allow her to put herself in such danger? where was I? I was destroyed, terrified, worried, concerned, because Bailey is one of the MOST important people in my entire life. The flashbacks of the conversations with Mike where he was telling me something is not adding up. Mike telling me to look closer. Saying, he doesn’t want to be right but he was worried that I was blinded by friendship and something is going on.
The thing is, during her addiction she still showed up for me. Looking back I can see how different it was from who she was before but she was so supportive and encouraging. She was one of the bridesmaids that was the most excited and enjoyed talking and planning with me in my group.
She was so excited for me when we were engaged. We got engaged almost 2 years before we were married. It was a long time and I had no idea she had this whole other life.
We were able to try our dresses on together at the same time and it was so much fun. This was definitely one of my favorite memories. I just had no idea how deep she was into her addiction.
This was her opening her Bridesmaid proposal box! I was so excited and so was she!
On the day of her birthday, which I was supposed to be at, her surprise 21st birthday. Which I planned, knowing that I wasn’t going to be able to go because at the time COVID had become really prevalent, like the world actually shut down March 17 and her birthday is March 14. After finding this information out. I wanted to wait until after her birthday to tell her I knew. I spent so much time praying on this situation. I talked with my parents, my in laws, and my husband about what to do. Then I heard it, God told me to tell her that I can't be friends with her anymore unless she is sober regardless of the fact that I couldn’t be there. Mike had been telling me for a good amount of time that my best friend, biggest supporter, best cheerleader, was addicted to some kind of drug, he was thinking it was cocaine. I obviously couldn’t believe him because if my best friend was addicted to drugs she would have told me when I asked.
This was my favorite time trying on my dress. It was close to the final appointment. We were less than a few weeks out from the wedding. We were just so giddy about what was happening and it was getting so real.
The day of her birthday; I began writing a letter. I began writing about how much I loved her. I wrote about how important she was to me. I wrote about all the things I will miss about her and I made the decision that the only thing that would possibly be a wake up call was if I told her our friendship would not be able to continue with her addiction and her lying. I told her I loved her and this letter destroyed me but the thought of her ending up dead somewhere was so much worse. So I wrote the letter and I gave it to her and cut her off. I cut off my friendship with my closest friend after moving into a house on my own with my new husband for the first time, 3 months after my wedding, 2 weeks before I moved 10 hours away, it was terrifying but I knew I had to do this for her. I was terrified because I knew that by writing this letter and severing our friendship there was a chance I would lose her forever. I had to weigh that over the cost of losing her from this earth forever. I decided that if this would get her clean and she would live to grow old that would be worth it even if it meant I was the one who had to lose her as a best friend. It was so painful. I blocked her number, I had the letter delivered and I had no contact with her. This was the worst time of my life most definitely.
It was a good amount of time we spent without any contact. I sent that letter and that was the last contact we had until I received a letter from her from an address I didn't recognize. She was finally in rehab. Again, I started balling. I began praising God. I was so scared that I was going to get a call during the time that I left her that she overdosed and died. I was so scared but I knew if I stayed, I would just be enabling her. Her letter was nothing but accepting what she had been doing and apologizing. With steps on how she will earn my trust back, full truths on every little thing that has ever happened without asking. I was so thankful. Mike encouraged me to be careful because Mike reminded me that relapses are incredibly common. I held my breath and I am beyond happy to report now that she has been sober since July 20, 2020 which is somewhere around 837+ days. No slips. She is clean and sober and I am so thankful. I needed her back and I was so thankful that all of my nightmares that I thought could happen didn't. She went and got help and she was alive, and as hard as it was, I’m grateful that tough love did what it is meant to do.
This picture. This was the first time I hugged my best friend in 5 years and she was completely sober. It was beyond emotional for us both. It was surreal.
This trip, where bailey flew out to visit me in baton rouge, was lifechanging and beautiful. we grew so much and we were learning how to know each other in this new reality. It was incredible. She is incredible and I am so thankful that we had this trip!
To this day, other than her close family members, I have found out that I am the only friend that wrote to her, the only one she felt safe and comfortable talking to upon coming back home. I am the only friend that has visited her at her new home with her fiancé in Maryland and the only friend from back home that has met her beautiful newborn daughter. I am her safe place as much as she is mine.
I also was blessed to be able to throw her baby shower. It was such a special time.
Cuddle Sesh with Baby Livi in Maryland.
Drew, Bailey, And Baby Olivia. I got the privilege of taking Olivia’s newborn pictures as well. I am no a professional but I spent hours on the internet learning all the poses and how to wrap them and what we were looking for and we got some really precious photos.
As you can see, She is beyond perfect.
Together we have helped each other get through the worst of our diseases. We have accepted each other at our weakest, at our most broken and we are still standing. That is only because of the God we serve.
If you, or anyone you know is fighting addiction, Bailey is available to talk any day, any time @ 410-490-3109. She will never judge, never tell (unless you’re a danger to yourself or others) and never judge.
